I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
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My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
The asteroid..
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?