My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
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I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.