My first son he is wonderful
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don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour