Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
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i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
#oldknees
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I’d use my best pan on you.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes