Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
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I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.