Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
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Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
O Wise One….
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments