never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
This is the one
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.