9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
*skinny dips into black hole
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.