My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Employees must applaud the planets.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Best spoiler warning ever
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.