Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
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cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.