Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
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Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.