Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
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Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
We all have our pet causes.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom