When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
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[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
The real reason evolution started..😂
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”