The USS B port
You Might Also Like
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Shoo shoo! 😂
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?