My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
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My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.