This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
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5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Batman v Dracula
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Lmao
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.