“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
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*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?