god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The smoothest fall of all time
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Yoga Matt