DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
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My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
why isn’t thunder called soundning
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
At least he brought enough for everyone
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
when u come home smelling like another dog
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times