Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.