What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here