Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
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9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.