She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
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INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.