girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
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Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Mornin
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.