I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.