Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
oh no, steve’s working tonight
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.