Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Grandmother clock.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Coffee is ready.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
WHY?!
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.