“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
You Might Also Like
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Body by cheese-puffs.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.