I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
uh oh
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse