Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I identify as an antique shop.