If you need a laugh.. 😅
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I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!