Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
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Breaking news:
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel