Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you