Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
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In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.