JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
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“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”