i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
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*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants