I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
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*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts