Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
You learn something every day
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
BaD BoY!!
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.