I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
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I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I saw this ending much differently.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered