Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
You Might Also Like
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.