*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
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Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.