[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
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Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football