Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
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My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Need this in my life lol
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.