You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory