Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
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I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
🌱🌱🌱
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!