My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Only a mother’s love …
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters