i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Muppet Screams
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
They’re the worst 😩
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home