Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’