{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
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11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics