[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
You Might Also Like
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Friends that check up on you >
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed